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When I was 4 I spent the night with my grandparents. This was something I did often. As usual, I fell asleep in their bed. Sometime later in the night I woke with my grandfathers hand in my panties. He touched me, even putting his fingers inside me. I didn't know what to do so I simply rolled over and he stopped. After that I always tried to fall asleep on the couch or in the room set up for me. But it didn't stop things. After awhile I just found excuses not to stay the night there. But that wasn't the end. My mother had a revolving door of live-in boyfriends. Usually it was us moving in with them. When I was about 6 her current boyfriend began coming into my room. It began with kissing & touching and turned into rape. He said if I told anyone he would do worse to my little brothers. I didn't want anything to happen to them so I stayed quiet. We were with him about 2 years. After that it was EVERY boyfriend. Some raped me, some "just" touched me. But they all used the same threat. My first suicide attempt was at age 13. I slit my wrist and took a bunch of pills. At the hospital they asked me why I did it. I couldn't tell them that I had been raped and thought I was pregnant. It turns out I wasn't pregnant, but I was so afraid of becoming pregnant that I tried to make her boyfriends use condoms. They refused. At age 17, after several failed suicide attempts, I had had enough. I stayed awake because I knew he would be coming into my room. When he sat down on the chair beside my bed and reached for me, I jumped up and punched him with all my strength. It flipped him completely over. While he was on the ground, I leaned down & told him if he touched me or my brothers I would kill him. It stopped. I would like to say that I lived a happy life after that but it would be a lie. I married a man I didn't love when I was 20. He beat me regularly. He even beat me so bad when I was pregnant that I lost my son. I made up lies about all the bruises. Eventually I got the strength to leave. But I later married another loser. But when things began to escalate to violence, I left. I knew I had to break the cycle. So I left. After some counceling, I finally believed it wasn't my fault. I realized the shame was not mine. It was theirs. Now I'm happily married to a wonderful man. Things aren't perfect, but there is no abuse. No hint of any underlying tendencies. He knows about my past and loves & accepts me.  

Rape. I never understood what it meant, even though I had endured it from the age of 4 till I was 15.
Over those years I was repeatedly violated, molested and raped. I honestly thought I deserved it, I was brought up to believe that any punishments I got were deserved. I actually believed I deserved it, that this man- a friend of the family- was doing this to me because I was bad. I felt isolated and disgusting. I was scared to ever tell anyone. Instead I let it consume me and in turn i pushed away family and friends until I was isolated. You wouldn't think so if you had met me back then. I was always the girl with a smile and a laugh, i looked happy. Inside though i was dying and screaming for help. I don't know to this day why he stopped but I thank GOD that he did. He ruined so much for me and now at the age of 20 I am finally fighting for things he ripped away from me. Especially my trust. The first person I told didn't believe me and turned there back on me, I confess in a moment of weakness I tried to overdose on some medication. Weeks later while studying with my friend I confessed it to him. I was scared beyond belief but he just accepted me and I love him dearly for it. He truly became my brother after that especially after finding out he shared the same experience as I did. If you read below you'll find his story, the anonymous male from LA. I confessed this story before my youth group at the urging of my brother and the response healed my soul. They accepted me, hugged me, and comforted me. I was finally able to release the agony I kept in myself. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't told anyone. For anyone reading this who is going through the same trials hear me out. You are not alone, there are people you can trust. It just takes a leap of faith.

"It was back when i was 7 years old, it was a time when me and my family had just moved in to a new home and my family, well actually my aunt and the family would come over and visit me. It was always her my two cousins and my uncle. They would sometimes spend the nights over and would visit often. One day me and my cousin were playing in the backyard and he asked me about my private parts, questions after questions kept coming. So one day he asked me to do stuff to him, things that at that age had no idea what these things were. He asked me if i would suck his private part he would do the same thing to me. I said no. He kept begging and insisting. At this age i didn't now anything, i don't remember being scared i just knew i had to keep saying no. He kept bribing me with video games, toys , and money. Until one night we were watching a movie he gradually started to touch me. I was nervous and scared i didn't know what to say. I kept quiet he took over. That night he slept over in my room, he would touch me to the point where he forced me to suck his private part. Time after time he would come more often and he would tell me to do the same. He sometimes would take me to the back to "play" but it always turned into me doing things i regret. I started getting closer to my other cousin in order to get away from the one that was currently abusing me. I thought all was better but within a month he started doing the same. As i got older things started to calm down but the trauma never left. As i got older i thought i was either bisexual or gay, because i would think about it. When they would come over i felt insecure sometimes scared because i thought because of him i started to like guys. Now that I'm older I don't really try to think about it, i would get girlfriends to not have these "gay/bisexual" thoughts. Until one day one of my friends opened up to me he said " I want to kiss you". I allowed this in order to prove a point i felt nothing because of what happened to me, i thought wouldn't feel different, but the kiss didn't bother me. This made me think about my past, because of what my cousin did to me. Now in present time i don't have a close relationship with my cousins, i think sometimes I'm homophobic. I somewhat overcame this by having intercourse with a woman but it didn't do it. I started getting closer to god and i had many questions like, "Why me" What did i do deserve to go through this?" Now i know that GOD let me go through this because he knew if it happened to me when i got older i wouldn't know how to handle this, i probably would have committed suicide. I just pray to God that he gives strength to those who are going through the same problems i did."

""Here is my servant whom I have chosen, the one I love, in whom I delight; I will put my Spirit on him, and he will proclaim justice to the nations." Matthew 12:18

When I was about 7 years old, my mom brought a family friend to live with us for a few months. Everything was fine until summer came. I remember that day as if it were yesterday. He called me into his room - at the time I didn't know he was drunk but I realized it later. He invited me to watch TV. I mean, as a seven year old kid you never think anything is going to happen to you inside your own house. But that's when the touching started and then, not to go into details, he raped me. I  didn't know how to take it at the time. I felt dirty, I literally thought it was the end. For a number of years I questioned my sexual orientation due to that monster that took my innocence, but eventually found my way. Recently, after I and a wonderful person who I can call my second mom helped me co-found my bible studies group, was I able to let go of years of hurt. I mean, I still have thoughts and it disgusts me every time I go to Mexico and find him in the street. I honestly think I dont regret that it happened because it has made me the strong and ambitious man I am today. I only pray to God that I find a way to prevent other kids from having to go through this. 

"Knowledge is power and power without knowledge is destruction"