Survivor Stories
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Be proud to be a survivor.
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Anonymous Female (Noble, OK) - Survivor of Rape
When I was 4 I spent the night with my grandparents. This was something I
did often. As usual, I fell asleep in their bed. Sometime later in the
night I woke with my grandfathers hand in my panties. He touched me,
even putting his fingers inside me. I didn't know what to do so I simply
rolled over and he stopped. After that I always tried to fall asleep on
the couch or in the room set up for me. But it didn't stop things.
After awhile I just found excuses not to stay the night there. But that
wasn't the end. My mother had a revolving door of live-in boyfriends.
Usually it was us moving in with them. When I was about 6 her current
boyfriend began coming into my room. It began with kissing &
touching and turned into rape. He said if I told anyone he would do
worse to my little brothers. I didn't want anything to happen to them so
I stayed quiet. We were with him about 2 years. After that it was EVERY
boyfriend. Some raped me, some "just" touched me. But they all used the
same threat. My first suicide attempt was at age 13. I slit my wrist
and took a bunch of pills. At the hospital they asked me why I did it. I
couldn't tell them that I had been raped and thought I was pregnant. It
turns out I wasn't pregnant, but I was so afraid of becoming pregnant
that I tried to make her boyfriends use condoms. They refused. At age
17, after several failed suicide attempts, I had had enough. I stayed
awake because I knew he would be coming into my room. When he sat down
on the chair beside my bed and reached for me, I jumped up and punched
him with all my strength. It flipped him completely over. While he was
on the ground, I leaned down & told him if he touched me or my
brothers I would kill him. It stopped. I would like to say that I lived a
happy life after that but it would be a lie. I married a man I didn't
love when I was 20. He beat me regularly. He even beat me so bad when I
was pregnant that I lost my son. I made up lies about all the bruises.
Eventually I got the strength to leave. But I later married another
loser. But when things began to escalate to violence, I left. I knew I
had to break the cycle. So I left. After some counceling, I finally
believed it wasn't my fault. I realized the shame was not mine. It was
theirs. Now I'm happily married to a wonderful man. Things aren't
perfect, but there is no abuse. No hint of any underlying tendencies. He
knows about my past and loves & accepts me.
Anonymous Female (Los Angeles, CA) - Survivor of Rape
Rape. I never understood what it meant, even though I had endured it from the age of 4 till I was 15.
Over those years I was repeatedly violated, molested and raped. I
honestly thought I deserved it, I was brought up to believe that any
punishments I got were deserved. I actually believed I deserved it, that
this man- a friend of the family- was doing this to me because I was
bad. I felt isolated and disgusting. I was scared to ever tell anyone.
Instead I let it consume me and in turn i pushed away family and friends
until I was isolated. You wouldn't think so if you had met me back
then. I was always the girl with a smile and a laugh, i looked happy.
Inside though i was dying and screaming for help. I don't know to this
day why he stopped but I thank GOD that he did. He ruined so much for me
and now at the age of 20 I am finally fighting for things he ripped
away from me. Especially my trust. The first person I told didn't
believe me and turned there back on me, I confess in a moment of
weakness I tried to overdose on some medication. Weeks later while
studying with my friend I confessed it to him. I was scared beyond
belief but he just accepted me and I love him dearly for it. He truly
became my brother after that especially after finding out he shared the
same experience as I did. If you read below you'll find his story, the
anonymous male from LA. I confessed this story before my youth group at
the urging of my brother and the response healed my soul. They accepted
me, hugged me, and comforted me. I was finally able to release the agony
I kept in myself. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't told
anyone. For anyone reading this who is going through the same trials
hear me out. You are not alone, there are people you can trust. It just
takes a leap of faith.
Anonymous Male (Riverside, CA) - Survivor of Rape
"It was back when i was 7 years old, it was a time when me and my family
had just moved in to a new home and my family, well actually my aunt
and the family would come over and visit me. It was always her my two
cousins and my uncle. They would sometimes spend the nights over and
would visit often. One day me and my cousin were playing in the backyard
and he asked me about my private parts, questions after questions kept
coming. So one day he asked me to do stuff to him, things that at that
age had no idea what these things were. He asked me if i would suck his
private part he would do the same thing to me. I said no. He kept
begging and insisting. At this age i didn't now anything, i don't remember
being scared i just knew i had to keep saying no. He kept bribing me
with video games, toys , and money. Until one night we were watching a
movie he gradually started to touch me. I was nervous and scared i didn't
know what to say. I kept quiet he took over. That night he slept over
in my room, he would touch me to the point where he forced me to suck
his private part. Time after time he would come more often and he would
tell me to do the same. He sometimes would take me to the back to "play"
but it always turned into me doing things i regret. I started getting
closer to my other cousin in order to get away from the one that was
currently abusing me. I thought all was better but within a month he
started doing the same. As i got older things started to calm down but
the trauma never left. As i got older i thought i was either bisexual or
gay, because i would think about it. When they would come over i felt
insecure sometimes scared because i thought because of him i started to
like guys. Now that I'm older I don't really try to think about it, i
would get girlfriends to not have these "gay/bisexual" thoughts. Until
one day one of my friends opened up to me he said " I want to kiss you".
I allowed this in order to prove a point i felt nothing because of what
happened to me, i thought wouldn't feel different, but the kiss didn't
bother me. This made me think about my past, because of what my cousin
did to me. Now in present time i don't have a close relationship with my
cousins, i think sometimes I'm homophobic. I somewhat overcame this by
having intercourse with a woman but it didn't do it. I started getting
closer to god and i had many questions like, "Why me" What did i do
deserve to go through this?" Now i know that GOD let me go through this
because he knew if it happened to me when i got older i wouldn't know
how to handle this, i probably would have committed suicide. I just pray
to God that he gives strength to those who are going through the same
problems i did."
""Here is my servant whom I have chosen, the one I love, in whom I
delight; I will put my Spirit on him, and he will proclaim justice to
the nations." Matthew 12:18
Anonymous Male (Los Angeles, CA) - Survivor of Rape
When I was about 7 years old, my mom brought a family friend to
live with us for a few months. Everything was fine until summer came. I
remember that day as if it were yesterday. He called me into his room -
at the time I didn't know he was drunk but I realized it later. He
invited me to watch TV. I mean, as a seven year old kid you never think
anything is going to happen to you inside your own house. But that's
when the touching started and then, not to go into details, he raped me.
I didn't know how to take it at the time. I felt dirty, I literally
thought it was the end. For a number of years I questioned my sexual
orientation due to that monster that took my innocence, but eventually
found my way. Recently, after I and a wonderful person who I can call my
second mom helped me co-found my bible studies group, was I able to let
go of years of hurt. I mean, I still have thoughts and it disgusts me
every time I go to Mexico and find him in the street. I honestly think I
dont regret that it happened because it has made me the strong and
ambitious man I am today. I only pray to God that I find a way to
prevent other kids from having to go through this.
"Knowledge is power and power without knowledge is destruction"
CrystalLane Swift (Hollywood, CA) - 4 Time Rape Survivor